4 days of holiday

Woohoo!

And that should speak for itself.

Yesterday, for the first time, I felt comforted at the failure that was my final project.
I had a good idea and I just did not execute it well enough.
And it has bothered me for the past two years.

Oh, well.. better now than never I suppose.

It's been a while..

.. Since my birthday at least. Ho-hum, pigs bum.

Surely my absence here speak volumes of the monotonous life that I now live.

Job has changed. Hair has changed. The boredom hasn't.
It's not so much boredom with my job (that aspect of my life is definitely more exciting, satisfying and rewarding now) but rather boredom with the fact that I have become one of those people I use to swear I'll never become.
A person who has become comfortable with routine.
Day in, day out, it's the same thing.

You know what this means...

This means that I indulge my loves.
My loves being loves of the materialistic persuasion.
I am now Queen of the Impulse Buyers.
(Although, my computer did take a LOT of contemplation but only because of the price)
I see clothes I like, I buy.
I see bags I like, I buy.
Do I even need to talk about SHOES?

Somehow, through the act of shopping, I feel comforted.
Yes, I believe in retail therapy.
While my Mum has long stood by the fact that WINDOW shopping comforted her, I can't be comforted by merely looking.
I need to OWN.
It's a problem, it truly is.

On a non-rambling hand, I have discovered a new side of me.
People who know me generally know that I am hardly serious or sober.
However, I've come to realise, through my classes and my teaching.. I can be the most serious and sober person when it needs to be.
I generally have a habit of drawing boundaries.
With teachers, I could never treat them as friendly as some of the peers could.
With my students however, I can talk to them as an equal (for you know, I am all for equality) but when it comes to tutorials, I find that the boundary is immediately drawn.
If people were to watch me, I don't think they'll recognise me.

Speaking of my job... I love what I'm doing now.
I wake up every morning and look forward to what will happen.
I enjoy the fact, of course, that Mike works with me which means I have company that is on the same wavelength.
But I just enjoy the fact that I can speak of my passions without people looking at me weirdly.
However, there are many around me (of the familial-persuasion) that I know do not approve of my decision.
I think, in a lot of ways, I should take it as an insult because obviously they don't think I am able to teach.
But I try not to think about it. I know what I'm doing and I know I can do it so I try to ignore.. but at times, it bothers me because nobody wants to know how I'm doing at my job and even when they ask, it's the vague-est question imaginable and the conversation usually drops after I answer.
And I can see it in their looks that they find it incredibly silly that I've decided to do this.
I should say "Suck it" but.. out of respect, I shan't.

And on another hand, when I first saw an Alienware, I swore to myself that one day, I shall own one.

I own one :)

I've never felt more proud of myself.

10 More Days

... And I'll be old(er).

When I was 14 and was desperate to be older.. I used to dream of being 18.
18 is good, I thought.
18 is when I'm legal.
18 is when I'll probably gain the freedom I want.
18 is when I'll probably be able to make good decisions for myself.
18 is when I'll be a rockstar.
... Is what I thought.

When I became 18 and realised that it isn't all it's cracked up to be.. I fantasised about being 20.
20 will be better, I thought.
20 is when I'll no longer be treated as an irrational, irritating, immature teenager.
20 is when I'll officially be an adult.
20 is when I'll definitely be able to make good decisions for myself.
20 is when I'll be able to go out without having to seek permission beforehand.
20 is when I'll realise that rockstar-dom isn't going to happen and I'll be cool with it.
... And I was right.
I loved being 20.

But now... I'm going to be 23.

I'm not the kind of girl who looks forward to my birthday.
I don't sit around thinking about what people are gonna give me for presents.
I don't care much for parties, celebrations or festivities of any sort.
For as long as I can remember, I've always thought of birthdays as just another year closer to my inevitable doom.

However, as it occured to me 5 minutes ago, that I'll be 23 years old in 10 days time.. I started to wonder.
What if I had looked forward to my birthday as every other girl has?

Don't get me wrong.. It's not like I grimace at the thought of a birthday cake. My parents made sure we all had a cake at every birthday to celebrate.
I got a few presents over the years and it was always a surprise... especially from my parents for they aren't the present-giving sort.

But what if I had parties?
I had a party when I was 8 years old... and I hated it. It is filed under 'Horrible Memories to Forget' in the shelves of my mind.
I told my parents (who convinced me to have the party that year) that I'll never have another party.
I thought it was a waste of time.
For most of my 'party', I sat with my grandma at the dining table reading a book...

I had one at 18.. and it was comparatively better but it still wasn't how I'd have liked to spend my birthday.
My 18th birthday barbecue party was due to my father wanting a barbecue party... not me.

However, every year.. people ask me 'How are you going to celebrate your birthday?'
And when I say "Not celebrating"... They ask me "Why?"

Why?
Because it isn't important to me...
It's just another day...

And also...
Because I do not have enough friends to invite to make a 'party'.
All my friends on both sides of the rainbow that I will invite to a party can be counted with all the fingers I have attached to me.

So No.
I'm not having a party this year (Stop asking, by the way)
I'll be celebrating it like how I have been celebrating it for the past how many years.

With my family and the friends that I care for.

By the way... It falls on a Friday night... DRINKS!

大切な友達は宝物

I don't blog much these days.
That is an understatement in the true-est meaning of the word.
However, I have crawled out of my self-dug hole in this blog-o-sphere to expand upon Claire's recent blog post and all the sweet things she said about us.
(She called me fickle, bossy and talkative and still I say it's sweet because she also called me her Wikipedia.. Hopefully without all the false information)

I never realised just how much I relied on them all for my sanity until a few weeks ago when I stumbled into really bad bumps on my proverbial work road.

But I'm getting ahead of myself... As I so often do.

It started, as Claire mentioned, when she was unhappy with work.
It was a simple tweet of "Let's meet up"
And we did.
She ranted and we joked and we laughed over drinks.
After that session of mindless chit chat, we said "We should make this a weekly thing".
However, the members of this weekly happening kept changing and waning.
I cannot pin point when exactly the current group became the core group because as with all good things, it was never planned.

The second time another of us was unhappy with life, Mike sent out a tweet saying "YL is upset. Let's meet him".. Thanks to the power that is Twitter, within minutes I was out of the house and surprising YL at Starbucks and minutes later, Claire was there and just as soon as she was settled, Mike appeared and then we bugged YL to spill his problems.
Personally, I'd like to think we cheered him up that night for he smiled a lot more towards the end.

And that's the thing about our sessions that I enjoy.. the fact that it's just a group of people getting together to make one or each other feel better about something or another.
I was always happy just being there for them.

Then, September came.
And for some reason, life at work became hard.
Maybe I had enough of it or maybe the people didn't like me.
I would probably never figure out why and I don't think I want to.
I'm not the easiest person to be with and through my almost-23 years of life, I have learned to accept it. I'm not a like-able person but there are people who love me for who I am and so I wouldn't change just to fit in.
It all happened one fine day when I had a brilliant string of bad luck followed by what shall henceforth be known as My Worst Phone Conversation Ever.
I tweeted Mike, Jasmine and Claire about meeting up that night because I needed some group therapy (YL does not have Twitter, I need to see to this)
We met, we ate Hokkien Mee, I imbibed and I complained.
And the moment I was done complaining, I felt so much better, words cannot begin to describe (for I am not the best writer and user of words)..

So here's what I love about the people that I meet weekly...
Their individual quirks and characteristics are always what lifts a down person's spirits up.
(And I'm doing this to reciprocate Claire's kindness on her blog)

Claire: The one with the wittiest retorts and sarcasm. So witty that it never offends but always amuses and lifts my spirits. Always says I'm bossy/fickle but somehow never literally stuffs the shoe down my throat... though, I'm assuming if I don't watch my back, you might.. soon. I love you for always listening to me talk about whatever random thing that is on my mind although you make it very clear that you aren't interested/have no idea what I'm talking about. You suck it up like a boss!

Jasmine: I'll always find our friendship to be unique and that's what I like about it. I don't remember being particularly close to you in college. I think we can thank Twitter for getting us closer together for I got to know you over random tweets and my random responses. You appear to be the embodiment of everything that I am not and that's what I love. Don't go back to Singapore.

Mike: The first person in my life who has made me feel like I have acquired useful knowledge. I spent my life reading every single thing from encyclopedias to newspaper clippings I find lying around on the road and all people have ever told me about it is that I am weird or I'm wasting my time. You also acknowledged the one thing that I do best - talking. You guys are kind for not telling me to shut my trap outright.. for many people have done so when they don't want to hear me speak of my favourite things. I love you for inviting me to give that lecture... I really do. You made me feel smart.. which I've never felt before.

Raymond: Ah, so many words so little time. I stand by my word that I love you for your pride. Your pride in who you are and your confidence in yourself. Whether or not you really feel that does not matter for that is what you show. And that is your greatest asset. You do not let people walk all over you and as much as I poke fun at you, know that I do it all in jest. Although sometimes I want to pummel you into literal pulp, you know I love you.

Yeow Long: To this day, I always have to double check as to whether I spelt your name right. In fact, I have a suspicion that I spelt it wrong already. Although your recent topic of 'changing people' shone some light on what may be a dormant megalomaniac lying within the black holes of your being... know that it is weird, random things like that that makes you unique. And it is your unique-ness that I love. Stop saying that I "suddenly became cute", though. I've caught you doing it on two different occasions now and I'm not loving it at all. However, that also magnifies your 'uniqueness'... You're probably the only person out there who says I'm "CUTE". I'm not. And it'll be good for your physical well-being to take note of that fact.

お久しぶり

おす～！
私は最近大変忙しいかったから、ブログが出来ない。

私のライフはつまなくなってしまったよ～
前の気がない。
毎日は働いてと寝て。
少しアドベンチャも無い。
幸せか、俺？

今月の仕事は全部多きなエベント。。つかれすぎるけど休みが出来なかった。

Sigh...
You don't know how much I'm hoping for it.
[The English might or might not be related to the Japanese]

RIP TAIJI

1966 - 2011

It's been almost 10 hours since I heard the news and I still cannot believe it.

I'm trying to type how and why he ended up dead but... I seriously do not how to do that.
All I know is, he finally got his life/career back together and then... this.
I didn't even know he got arrested.
I didn't even know he attempted suicide.
And then today, my sister messages me saying that he was brain dead after his attempt and that they decided to unplug the life support...
It's not good to start off your week by crying at work.

I had so much of hope of actually seeing him live after he popped up on stage at the X Japan concerts.

Now.. from the original 5 members, we're left with 3.
I do a little tribute to hide every year and I do feel sad whenever I think of the fact that he is gone.. but somehow, because I wasn't aware of the fact that hide died until a few years later it isn't as sad as it is with Taiji.

I probably don't make much sense typing but my brain is a little muddled with the fact that Taiji is dead.
Taiji!
The cowboy hat-wearing, tattoo-sporting, bike-riding, bass-ripping piece of awesome that composed Voiceless Screaming.

Mum said "Life isn't fair" when I practically wailed that "It is unfair".
It is.
I'm going to be selfish and immature and insist upon the fact that IT IS UNFAIR!
It is unfair that people like Taiji die and useless people are left to prowl the earth.

Updates Updates, read all about it.

I say this a lot and I know I'm going to sound like a really broken recorder but life cannot get anymore mundane than it is now.
Seriously.
Where is the adventure?
Where is the excitement?
I used to wake up everyday thinking and wondering about the endless possibilities life might give me...
Now I just wake up, go to work, come home and sleep.
I'm not a very happy person.

Been listening to loads of Yann Tiersen, X Japan, E.S Posthumus, Immediate Music and Globus these past few days.
Yann Tiersen is one of those composers that you listen to, sip a cup of tea, close your eyes and illustrate a children's book in your mind. Full of fantasy creatures and adventures. It makes me happy. You (whoever you are) should really listen to him.
Now I feel like drinking my strawberry tea.

My head's been cloudier these past few days.
My teachers used to complain about me constantly day dreaming... wait till they see me now. They're just gonna slice off a piece of foot in agony at how I turned out.

So apparently, the new Miss USA knows quite a bit about Star Wars and the media is going ape-shit crazy over that.
Why?
Can't a girl like Star Wars?
Wait till I win a beauty pageant, you idiots are gonna lose your pants AND panties over the amount of shit I know about Star Wars.
I'm not proud of it but my brother and I watched A New Hope AND Empire Strikes Back more times than we can count. (Vader was attractive even to a naive, innocent young me though he scared the Jesus out of me)
And that was before we reached the double digits.

... I'm actually quite proud of it.

Lately, I've been reminiscing...
Not about much, I assure you.
It isn't so much that I'm reminiscing but I'm just thinking about things from the past and indulging myself in more day dreams.

Oh and the dreams have gotten a tad weirder.
You thought cannibalism, cut-and-run limb mutilation and killer chess-playing clowns were weird.. I actually dreamed of REAL people and REAL friends the other day.
*shudder*