The rut here being in reference to my emotional well-being. Contrary to the use of the word 'well', I am not 'well' at all.
For the past few months, I have been experiencing random bouts of depression. Initially, I assumed it was the time of the month but as it went on, I realised that it wasn't that at all and it really came about at random without anything particular source.
I hid it pretty well, I think.
I still maintained my usual facade.
And then it started to tire me out.
I got physically, emotionally and mentally tired.
I did not want to speak. I just wanted to eat. I did not want to meet anybody. I stayed in my room all day, everyday when I was not at work.
I began to feel too self aware. Too conscious of what people are saying or doing.
I felt my self-esteem plummet. I felt my confidence, or lack thereof, slipping away.
Occasionally, I will feel happy when doing or seeing something that strikes my fancy and it will help in cheering me up for a while.
For the past week though, it will only cheer me up momentarily before I begin to look sullen, tired, distracted and downright stoned and if anyone said anything at all, I'll feel irritation and impatience. Even if it has nothing to do with me.
And it was okay, I thought, I've experienced this before and I'll pull myself out of it as I usually do.
Then came the random tears that fall at will.
I'll be staring off into space, thinking of absolutely nothing when a wave of melancholy will hit and I'll just begin to tear. For no reason. Or no reason that I am aware of.
While on a weekend retreat with the classmates, tears were threatening to fall the entire time and I did not want them to see me in my depression (even though it was obvious there was something wrong with me)
Today was bad.
For the entire day, I did not feel like myself.
I tried too hard to be chirpy. Tried too hard to look normal.
I did things I wouldn't have done normally. Said things I wouldn't normally say.
I do not want to discuss what I'm going through with anybody.
I know no one will understand.
The older sister will scoff and say I'm over reacting or thinking too much and to just forget it.
The second sister will not say anything but try to comfort me without really knowing what's wrong.
The brother won't know what to say.
The father will say exactly what the older sister will say.
The mother will say 'It's all those books you've been reading' when I haven't had the mood to read anything for a while now.
The friends will not know what to say or do and will just ask if I'm okay which I'll say 'Yes' because that is the polite thing to say.
All I want to do is not talk, eat, sleep and find a quiet place where it's safe to cry.
I am no longer interested in doing what I normally do. I have lost interest in a lot of things I was interested in.
I feel tired even when I've just woken up from a 12 hour slumber.
Just now at dinner, I finally decided to tell my Mum what I'm experiencing and tried explaining what it means to be depressed.
She asked "Do you need to see a doctor?"
Do I?
Would it help me?
Now this question is swirling in my head.
I feel like I'm standing at a cross junction all alone in a barren land with no one and nothing around me and I can't walk down any of these four roads because at the back of my mind, it isn't an option. I am stuck in the one position and I'll always be in this one position.
I feel like a rubber band that has been stretched far beyond its means.
I feel like the rat in the sewer that has been chased out of another hole.
I feel like the one lone planet touring its way around the galaxy.
I just want to stop feeling like this.
