Right now, I'm at the lowest of the lowest of my 'low self-esteem' and no confidence problems.
I've never felt so much like nothing in my life.
First of all, my Dad's 'jokes' really hurt. The fact that he picks on every single thing I like to wear and compares me to my sisters or people in the pictures. Always telling me that I should dress like them, they look so good(it's cause they're skinny but he doesn't realise). And it makes me feel like I don't look like anything next to good.
He also feels this need to joke about my face. Like it's my fault it's so full of pimples and scars. Everytime he looks at my face he tells my mum that I never wash my face.
Okay, this makes me mad.
Anyway, I'm gonna refrain from swearing. But it's not that I don't wash my face, I wash my face so much it's so freaking dry I'm getting more pimples, HE had pimples too. So did my mum. Oily face is in the genes, I think, but that's not the point.. When I first got pimples, he told me to pinch them out, just like my second sister cause 'she's so smart at handling things like this herself, she gets rid of them'. So, okay, I pinch them and what do I get? More pimples and MORE scars.
Thanks for the advice.
And it may just be jokes but I really do feel it.
Secondly, because of tomorrow's wedding and everybody has to look nice or something, I have no clothes and I have to try everybody's clothes and nothing can fit me. Why? Because I'm so much fatter than everybody else. Mum included.
And why don't I have clothes? Cause nothing formal fits me cause designers believe people are built like mannequins.
And their words of consolation does not console me at all.
Imagine feeling like a fattened pig and they tell you things like 'It's good that you're so much bigger because then you fit clothes so much better instead of being skinny, you can't find anything!'.
As if I don't know I'm bigger, they need to remind me. And no, being bigger doesn't mean you can find clothes. In fact, you can't find clothes at all. Because it's not like I'm proportionately bigger.. my ass is just bigger than anything and I don't have the height to make up for it. And jeans never come in my size. Shirts are always tight around the chest but never around the waist. Shirts that are overly large for the body is always too tight for the chest. Shit like that.
And all my life, they always say things like 'Your butt looks big in this jeans', 'Your boobs are so much bigger than all of us! But then again, you ARE BIGGER altogether' and all that kinda stuff.
Note that I'm NOT angry... I'm just very.. I don't know how to put it but I'm not even depressed. I'm just feeling like crap.
Hey, give me credit, I've tried to hold my head up high and tell myself that I AM not ugly and fat but lately, I'm just feeling like shit.

And yes, I DO know that there are people fatter than me and I do not intend to insult all of them. When I'm out with my friends, I don't feel fat at all. In fact, I feel good about myself with them. Why? Because they don't pass comments. Like they don't just come up to me and say 'Lyd, your ass is damn huge in those pants'. Even if I do look fat, I thank God they practice resistance.

Which is why, yet again, I choose friends over family sometimes.
At least I have a good time not caring about appearances with them.
It's never like that with family.
And they like to pick on my forehead. Likening me to a stupid flowerhorn fish. A fish! As if I don't hate it enough already (my head not the fish).
And my Dad's all 'Yeah, you look like a flowerhorn so when my friend ask me why my daughter's head is like that I'd just say I knocked it like I do the flowerhorn'. [He's attempting at a joke here, notice it.] And he expects me to go all 'HA HA HA HA! OH. MY. GOD. DAD! You're so freaking funny! HA HA HA HA HA!
Usually I just smile back at him pretending to be amused. Cause if I don't, he'd get moody at me.
It's not funny! Oh my God! And everytime I try telling them I'm not amused they think I'm being moody/showing my temper/being sensitive about little things/losing my sense of humour.