You are basically admitting that you have a weakness.
You are admitting that you aren't as calm, cool and collected as you would have liked to show.
But you know what's tougher still?
Admitting to someone else that you are weak while sitting on an armchair in his/her office.
Admitting that you are spiralling out of control while sitting in a controlled environment.
And then having to explain why you feel this/that way.
But as I have recently discovered, you can't speak to people you know about these things.
It is even worse and as much as they try to understand, they really never do.
I always remember my sister saying that I am like a coin box.
I save it all up and then one day I go berserk.
I have been going berserk for half a year now.
It is manifesting itself slowly and so I can still pretend.
I have good days and I have my bad days.
But it has been a week of bad days and I think it is time I take some action to help myself.
My Zen practices are not working because I am not disciplined enough anymore.
The worst thing is... I have no one to talk to.
(In other non-emotional-estrogen-fuelled news, I finally bought my 1/100MG Tallgeese Gundam. I have been waiting for them to do an MG version of this. Now I have Wing Zero, Deathscythe Hell, Sandrock, Heavyarms, Shen Long, Epyon and Tallgeese. Yay!)
It might seem strange that I wrote a long-ass post about my feelings and then express joy and happiness about a toy but I feel the need to specify that my fandoms aren't at the mercy of my feelings and in fact they are the only things keeping me afloat these days.
---
A little while ago, I got the idea to illustrate the mental images I get when I listen to music that I absolutely adore.
I sat on the idea for a very long time and tonight, I finally started doing something about it.
First up on the list is....
"I love you more and more each day, as time goes by" from Casablanca (my all time favourite song)
Then we have...
"In the web of dizzy leaves, virgins all elude the trees" from Black Acres by Elysian Fields
Followed by...
"2 drifters off to see the world" from Breakfast at Tiffany's, Moon River by Frank Sinatra
"Lovers walk along the shore, leave their footprints in the sand" by Dusty Springfield, Windmills of Your Mind
"風になる神風は闇の中ヘきえて" Hotarubi by Dir en Grey (Become the wind, the divine wind and into the darkness disappear)
"願いはあなたに降り注ぐそっと悲しみをこえて" Utakata by Kagrra, (My wishes pour down on you, softly passing the sadness)
We'll see where this goes.
