Do you ever have that person in your life who ALWAYS manages to put you down?

Sometimes you think they are doing it unconsciously so you laugh it off and let it slide and then sometimes you think, "Is she/he trying to tell me something?"

Then it takes you a while to admit that you have someone toxic in your life, you go through the entire process of accepting it and figuring out what to do. Most of the time you leave the person in your history and go on to have a better, happier life.

What if, the one person in your life who puts you down ALL the time, unconsciously and consciously, is your very own sister?



What does one do?

My, how times have changed

When I started writing on this little virtual space, I was merely a teenager of 16 who thought the idea of an online diary was "Fantastic!" despite the fact that it goes against the general idea of a diary - secrecy.

Somehow, here I am, a lady (I use this term loosely) of 27, with one too many whiskeys in her, writing about body image issues. No, kids, you never truly get over it sometimes.

As a kid/teenager, I was thin and when I say "thin", I really meant thin. My elbows stuck out, my knees were awkward and I always found my head to be too big for the body. Yet somehow, my father (in particular) always talked about me being the biggest of his 3 daughters. 

You see, my father comes from a generation where a daughter is only as good as she looks (and how good she cleans the fucking toilet)

She's smart? Fuck that shit, what does she look like?

She's kind? Fuck that shit, what does she look like?

She's outspoken? Fuck that shit. No really, fuck that shit.
(He's the kind who would tell his wife to go cook to put her in her place. I'm not kidding)

So, as children often do, my sisters learnt from my parents to talk about how I'm the fattest one. The biggest one. The curviest one. The sexiest one... <- all="" fat.="" know="" meant="" p="" they="" we="">

You see, Asian people tend to prefer girls who look like little stick girls. The conventional idea of beauty = skinny and curvy = jokes waiting to be made.

Oh, I have digressed into the personal space of opinions and I shall remove myself from said space.

Yes, I was thin growing up and at 14, I made a promise to put on some weight which I did. I was very happy until I realised that people weren't.

My mother told me my thighs needed trimming.

My father constantly told me I have gained weight and am now fat.

My eldest sister said "Oh my God, your arms are so much bigger than mine!" and "You are the fattest one of all three of us" and "I like your ass, it's so big" (which isn't as nice as it sounds)

My second sister drew me as a fat mushroom (I'm not even joking here)

The only one who I never took things personally from was my brother because while we teased each other about being big, we were both on the receiving end of constant scrutiny and comments.

What a childhood of that resulted in is an adult who is ironically happy but also self-conscious. I'll be the first to tell you I'm not pretty or attractive or any of that sort of shallow shit and that's because I truly don't think I am. It's nice when people compliment you because deep down you know it's probably true but also deep down you kinda doubt it is.

Ah, fuck.

Yes, I'm now officially too drunk to articulate my thoughts.

Basically, I am not meat.

Don't evaluate me like one.

Also, shut the fuck up.

Sick of people telling me what I feel.

There are two things that I live my everyday life with; depression and as a direct result, insomnia.
I am fine with this set up because I have lived with it all my life. I am fine. I do not mope around and cry 24/7 unlike what ignorant people believe. That is not depression.

What I am sick of is people constantly telling me 'happiness will come to you when you want it to' and 'you have to snap out of it'.. or 'stop being dramatic'. (That last one absolutely grates all my proverbial cheese in the wrong fucking direction)

I have always been open with the fact that I have depression. I do not randomly tell people about it but if context allows, yes, I am always happy to tell you that not everyone was born cheerful and happy.
Some of us are melancholic.

I don't cry about it.
I just LIVE with it.

I know what makes me happy and I know how to overcome the feelings of hopelessness and loss.
Sure sometimes the depression takes over and I find it hard to function. Fuck, I find it hard to get out of bed because all I want to do is sleep and never wake up but somehow, though, given time and space, I crawl out of the hole I fell into. By myself. 

Gonna start being catty and a tad bitchy here but I just can't stand all these happy, 'the world is bright' type of people because seriously, maybe if you stopped staring at your double rainbows and actually did some proper reading into what depression is, then you will stop trying to rationalise what I go through on a daily basis with your shallow knowledge..

Bitch, please. I have everything that makes me happy.
Believe it or not, that's what made me realise there's something wrong with my brain... because even while KNOWING I have everything I need and want, I still wasn't happy.

Genetically speaking, I spy with my two little eyes that I inherited this state of mind from one of my parents. Who always acts up in the most obvious ways but is blind to it. I promised myself that I will never deny myself the self-acknowledgement and that's how I managed to open up to the fact that hey, I see the world through grey lenses and I'm okay with it.

Here's the deal.
I know I'm being ridiculous with the feelings of insecurity.
I know it's silly being paranoid about the littlest things.
I know it's juvenile that I just want to crawl into bed and sleep (and hopefully don't wake).
I know it makes people uncomfortable when I go down the deep end and shut myself off socially.
Yet, despite knowing all these things, I cannot help myself. I cannot willfully and deliberately shut off the feelings. I CANNOT CONTROL IT.

So holy hell on fire, STOP.

Just.. stop.

I am able to laugh and joke and have a good time.
I just happen to have bad times too.
In one way or another, don't we all have that?

The thing about SOME Malaysians...

... is they are programmed to be prejudiced against anything with the label "MALAYSIA" on it.

Government sucks.
Politicking sucks.
Cost of living sucks.
Creativity sucks.
Originality... none present to even suck.

Hey, man.. Give us some credit.
Look harder and you'll notice that we do have originality, we do have creativity.
We just sometimes apply it differently than others.
One just needs to look harder.
Our politics are being dragged in the gutter but we do have it much better than a lot of countries.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
We just need to appreciate what we have.. what we don't like, we can try to change it.

The reason for this rant is tonight, with Jasmine, we watched a Chinese movie. And all of a sudden I heard Fantasia Bulan Madu (The Jacky Cheung version, as I learned from her, which was adapted from the oh-so-lovely M.Nasir written song)
I told her the original song was in Malay and she said "Not so original anymore..." (in reference to Search, I think?)

But it got me thinking about how we view our own country.
And it's not her but it reminded me of how many times in my distant and recent past have people passed immediate judgement about Malaysian artistes and artists...

It wasn't anything much but it has reached the point of normality.
People just assume that nothing original would come from our country. Especially not our musicians.
If the melodies are the same, ah, surely the Malaysians weren't the original?

Search IS one of our greatest rock bands. Known across Asia for their beautiful melodies.

We might have stolen our national anthem.. but rest assured, our musicians can come up with their own :)
And even if they don't, a famous Taiwanese group once re-sang Gackt's Vanilla and it was the most God-awful thing I've ever heard and seen.
It's not only in our land.

It's like that teenager who's parents can't do anything right.
If you get the metaphor.

[And seriously, am I the only Chinese person I know who absolutely adores Search?]

When I became an academic, I mentioned my intention to pursue my MA and eventually my PHD.
For a while now, I have dreamt of the day I have the option to add Dr. to my name and then becoming a legit professor.
Then work took over. Life happened. My 'free time' became filled up with more things that I have added for financial gain. Things that became an anchor.

Due to my consistent insomnia, I ventured into the internet to seek out my possibilities.
My dream is to study history of art and/or design in Japan.
Has been for a while because I've been in love with their rich history and culture since my father first brought home washi paper covered crafts.
After surfing through all the top universities' curriculum and just idealising what I'll study in each university, I realised that I might not be able to just up and go.

And that is weighing down on me.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do

Admitting to yourself that you are incapable of managing your emotions and feelings is a tough thing in itself. 

You are basically admitting that you have a weakness.

You are admitting that you aren't as calm, cool and collected as you would have liked to show.

But you know what's tougher still?

Admitting to someone else that you are weak while sitting on an armchair in his/her office.

Admitting that you are spiralling out of control while sitting in a controlled environment.

And then having to explain why you feel this/that way.

But as I have recently discovered, you can't speak to people you know about these things.

It is even worse and as much as they try to understand, they really never do.

I always remember my sister saying that I am like a coin box.

I save it all up and then one day I go berserk.

I have been going berserk for half a year now.

It is manifesting itself slowly and so I can still pretend.

I have good days and I have my bad days.

But it has been a week of bad days and I think it is time I take some action to help myself.

My Zen practices are not working because I am not disciplined enough anymore.

The worst thing is... I have no one to talk to.

(In other non-emotional-estrogen-fuelled news, I finally bought my 1/100MG Tallgeese Gundam. I have been waiting for them to do an MG version of this. Now I have Wing Zero, Deathscythe Hell, Sandrock,  Heavyarms, Shen Long, Epyon and Tallgeese. Yay!)

It might seem strange that I wrote a long-ass post about my feelings and then express joy and happiness about a toy but I feel the need to specify that my fandoms aren't at the mercy of my feelings and in fact they are the only things keeping me afloat these days.

---

A little while ago, I got the idea to illustrate the mental images I get when I listen to music that I absolutely adore.

I sat on the idea for a very long time and tonight, I finally started doing something about it.

First up on the list is....

"I love you more and more each day, as time goes by" from Casablanca (my all time favourite song)

Then we have...

"In the web of dizzy leaves, virgins all elude the trees" from Black Acres by Elysian Fields

Followed by...

"2 drifters off to see the world" from Breakfast at Tiffany's, Moon River by Frank Sinatra

"Lovers walk along the shore, leave their footprints in the sand" by Dusty Springfield, Windmills of Your Mind

"風になる神風は闇の中ヘきえて" Hotarubi by Dir en Grey (Become the wind, the divine wind and into the darkness disappear)

"願いはあなたに降り注ぐそっと悲しみをこえて" Utakata by Kagrra, (My wishes pour down on you, softly passing the sadness)

We'll see where this goes.

I need to vent

It is an understatement to say that I am oblivious when it comes to matters of feelings and affection.

If you show extra attention, I won't notice because my brain is not programmed to notice these things.

It is annoying therefore, when I ask whether or not a person is trying something and NOT get a response.

It isn't too hard to say a yes or a no and the matter will be resolved quicker if the other person knows what is going on.

And so my automatic response is to cut down all forms of communication and just be a bitch.

I don't know enough to say no or yes.

 

F**K

Testing texting...

I am attempting to blog from my pad. iPad.

Is it working?

Here's a random picture of my rabbit.