Feeling blue

Sometimes, I think I'm actually losing my mind one bit at a time. I do things that I don't want to do. I say things I don't want to say and sometimes I even forget what I do or say. I get thoughts that a normal person wouldn't get. And I'm not talking about perverted thoughts either. It's just thoughts you wouldn't think of normally. Thoughts of what I'd want to do to somebody. I hope you know what that means. And sometimes, I actually believe I'm capable of acting based on my thoughts alone. I keep wondering what's going on in my mind. Don't mistake me though, I'm not one of those deprived, my-father-hates-me, I-come-from-a-broken-home kinda kid. In fact, I'm very normal if you're going to start talking about family. But there's just something a little wrong with me. I can't place it and I can't start to describe it. It's just a thought, a little bubble of thoughts swimming around in my head waiting to pop and release the thoughts. It's all cooped up somewhere up there. I dream things that people would call 'nightmares' but yet, I don't wake up in sweat or wake up in fear. I sleep on. I sit through the whole night 'movie'. But when I dream of something sweet and nice for a change, I wake up and would be unable to sleep for the rest of the night. Why? I'm not trying to sound like an emo-I'm-really-sadistic kid. It's happened so many times! I wasn't like this 3 years ago! 3 years ago I was a happy pop-pink-fur-happy-liking kid. And now? I made a 360 degree turn around in my attitude and interests. Sometimes, I think people hate me. Sometimes, I think people are just being nice to me cause they think I'm weird or mental. Sometimes, I think they're lying to me. But yet, sometimes I think they're really nice to me because they like me. It's just crazy to think about it but yet I think about it all the time. Maybe you can call it low self-esteem and maybe that's what it is. I've never had high self-esteem. I don't see myself as a pretty girl, or a sweet girl, or a nice girl, or a capable girl. I always see myself in the negative sense. And eventhough, I like to think things have changed in that aspect, the truth is, it hasn't. I'll always be like this eventhough I keep lying to myself. Things that normal people deem disgusting, cruel and uninteresting intrigues me. I like to say it's curiousity but in truth, I don't think it is. It's something else that attracts me to subjects and topics like that. I can't even begin to place words together now! I can't describe what I'm feeling in proper words! Instead I'm blabbering incoherently! You know how I like to say people always put on a mask to face the public? Everybody has one extra side of them to show the public. They don't show what they really are most of the time. I have one of that too. The only thing wrong about mine is, I never take it off. It's always on and I keep lying to myself. It's driving me crazy. It's almost to the point where it comes naturally. I want to change but yet, I don't want to. I keep contradicting everything I say! I really should stop posting posts like this. I'm boring the people. I'm boring all of you who is reading this. Sorry, I need to get it out of my confused mind. I need to sort out my mind, for heaven's sake!