You know the Malay saying 'Susah-susah dahulu, senang-senang kemudian'?
I never believed in the truth behind the words and I sure don't believe in it now.
But I'm kinda wondering, if maybe I should believe in it?
Sometimes, you go through hard times in your life, so hard that it distracts you from things that you should be focusing on and it bothers you and you really don't know what to do, right?
I'm going through something that I definitely never wished I'd go through. I'm feeling depressed and although I try to hide it in front of friends by smiling, acting crazy, or just plain laughing like a hyena, guys, you should notice the fake-ness behind my joy, right?
I really don't feel like laughing, but today, when I decided I won't act all happy and stuff, Claire asked me whether something was wrong and that's when I thought to myself, that I've created a joyful personality for myself, haven't I? That's what I thought. And I don't know what to do now. I don't know whether to keep it up or not. It's something I wish I'm not who I am. Really. I really do dislike myself. Everything of me, I don't like. People shouldn't like it very much either. I hate thinking this way but I always do. It's something that makes me, me. Unfortunately.
Ever wondered to yourself, who are you? What am I?
I do. And I can never answer. I do not know myself.
Everytime I feel like this, I get a painful feeling in my stomach (I'm not exaggerating, it hurts) and I won't rest easy.
I can never talk to anybody about this cause people, generally, won't understand me. Normally, they're almosy happy with their lives and have nothing to complain about. Well, I'm happy with mine and I have nothing to complain about but I'm not happy with myself. It's ME that I don't like and not what I do.
What do I do?
[The only joy in my life is that I've found out I DO have the ability to fall in love]
I think I'm a developing schizophrenic (double personality) and I need professional help. Don't you feel that I'm a little off my rocker?
Do you want to know how many things I'm thinking about now? Three. And it isn't even small problems, they are all three BIG problems. It affects not only me but the people around me. I keep thinking about them constantly and I find that I can barely talk about them. I can't at all, so I just keep it all in me.
My sister once told me that I'm like a little piggy bank. I keep everything in me and not tell a soul and then when I'm full, I let everything lose.
(I don't like the comparison but, it works)
Even when I'm depressed and I call somebody just because I need to talk to them, I don't tell them the problem. I just lightly brush the problem.
I'm gonna say sorry to the public that know me right now. Sorry in advance for anything I may do and sorry for everything I may have done. (This applies for EVERYTHING)
I don't know why I'm apoligizing but shut up and take it cause you won't ever hear me say sorry again. Unfortunately.
