There are two things that I live my everyday life with; depression and as a direct result, insomnia.
I am fine with this set up because I have lived with it all my life. I am fine. I do not mope around and cry 24/7 unlike what ignorant people believe. That is not depression.
What I am sick of is people constantly telling me 'happiness will come to you when you want it to' and 'you have to snap out of it'.. or 'stop being dramatic'. (That last one absolutely grates all my proverbial cheese in the wrong fucking direction)
I have always been open with the fact that I have depression. I do not randomly tell people about it but if context allows, yes, I am always happy to tell you that not everyone was born cheerful and happy.
Some of us are melancholic.
I don't cry about it.
I just LIVE with it.
I know what makes me happy and I know how to overcome the feelings of hopelessness and loss.
Sure sometimes the depression takes over and I find it hard to function. Fuck, I find it hard to get out of bed because all I want to do is sleep and never wake up but somehow, though, given time and space, I crawl out of the hole I fell into. By myself.
Gonna start being catty and a tad bitchy here but I just can't stand all these happy, 'the world is bright' type of people because seriously, maybe if you stopped staring at your double rainbows and actually did some proper reading into what depression is, then you will stop trying to rationalise what I go through on a daily basis with your shallow knowledge..
Bitch, please. I have everything that makes me happy.
Believe it or not, that's what made me realise there's something wrong with my brain... because even while KNOWING I have everything I need and want, I still wasn't happy.
Genetically speaking, I spy with my two little eyes that I inherited this state of mind from one of my parents. Who always acts up in the most obvious ways but is blind to it. I promised myself that I will never deny myself the self-acknowledgement and that's how I managed to open up to the fact that hey, I see the world through grey lenses and I'm okay with it.
Here's the deal.
I know I'm being ridiculous with the feelings of insecurity.
I know it's silly being paranoid about the littlest things.
I know it's juvenile that I just want to crawl into bed and sleep (and hopefully don't wake).
I know it makes people uncomfortable when I go down the deep end and shut myself off socially.
Yet, despite knowing all these things, I cannot help myself. I cannot willfully and deliberately shut off the feelings. I CANNOT CONTROL IT.
So holy hell on fire, STOP.
Just.. stop.
I am able to laugh and joke and have a good time.
I just happen to have bad times too.
In one way or another, don't we all have that?
