When I started writing on this little virtual space, I was merely a teenager of 16 who thought the idea of an online diary was "Fantastic!" despite the fact that it goes against the general idea of a diary - secrecy.
Somehow, here I am, a lady (I use this term loosely) of 27, with one too many whiskeys in her, writing about body image issues. No, kids, you never truly get over it sometimes.
As a kid/teenager, I was thin and when I say "thin", I really meant thin. My elbows stuck out, my knees were awkward and I always found my head to be too big for the body. Yet somehow, my father (in particular) always talked about me being the biggest of his 3 daughters.
You see, my father comes from a generation where a daughter is only as good as she looks (and how good she cleans the fucking toilet)
She's smart? Fuck that shit, what does she look like?
She's kind? Fuck that shit, what does she look like?
She's outspoken? Fuck that shit. No really, fuck that shit.
(He's the kind who would tell his wife to go cook to put her in her place. I'm not kidding)
(He's the kind who would tell his wife to go cook to put her in her place. I'm not kidding)
So, as children often do, my sisters learnt from my parents to talk about how I'm the fattest one. The biggest one. The curviest one. The sexiest one... <- all="" fat.="" know="" meant="" p="" they="" we="">
Ah, fuck.
You see, Asian people tend to prefer girls who look like little stick girls. The conventional idea of beauty = skinny and curvy = jokes waiting to be made.
Oh, I have digressed into the personal space of opinions and I shall remove myself from said space.
Yes, I was thin growing up and at 14, I made a promise to put on some weight which I did. I was very happy until I realised that people weren't.
My mother told me my thighs needed trimming.
My father constantly told me I have gained weight and am now fat.
My eldest sister said "Oh my God, your arms are so much bigger than mine!" and "You are the fattest one of all three of us" and "I like your ass, it's so big" (which isn't as nice as it sounds)
My second sister drew me as a fat mushroom (I'm not even joking here)
The only one who I never took things personally from was my brother because while we teased each other about being big, we were both on the receiving end of constant scrutiny and comments.
What a childhood of that resulted in is an adult who is ironically happy but also self-conscious. I'll be the first to tell you I'm not pretty or attractive or any of that sort of shallow shit and that's because I truly don't think I am. It's nice when people compliment you because deep down you know it's probably true but also deep down you kinda doubt it is.
Ah, fuck.
Yes, I'm now officially too drunk to articulate my thoughts.
Basically, I am not meat.
Don't evaluate me like one.
Also, shut the fuck up.
